Topic: Forgiveness

Her eyes towards me seemed different when we crossed paths after the church service. Or maybe it was just me, seeing through the fog of guilt. One careless statement made without malice. Yet I knew the moment it left my lips that I should’ve prayed, “Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3). I hadn’t meant to wound her. But the damage was done. The conversation kept replaying in my mind. That phrase. My motive. I wasn’t worried about being misunderstood. I was heartbroken and grieved over the rift I had caused in our friendship.

Her silence spoke volumes in the days that followed. Quick hellos. Polite smiles. The warmth seemed to have gone. And in its place, a growing ache in my heart. Not just guilt, but conviction. I had wounded a friend, a sister in the Lord. But the Spirit didn’t let me stay there. He pressed in gently but firmly, refusing to let me rest on the idea that time will just heal.

I sought counsel on how to handle the situation. One Sunday, with trembling hands and a humbled heart, I approached her, called her aside and said the hardest words to say: “…I apologise for my unkind words. I hurt you, and I’m sorry. Please forgive me…”

That experience made me wonder: What if I had never reached out to apologise? What if I let “time heal?” What if she hadn’t forgiven me? What happens when mercy is withheld?

These questions don’t just raise the issue of forgiveness; they spotlight the deeper heart work of reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not always the same. But here, I want to focus on the former: Forgiveness.

When Mercy Is Muzzled

Let’s be honest. Forgiveness is not easy. Whether you’re the one confessing or the one absorbing the offence. It often feels like surrender. It humbles our pride. It makes us vulnerable. It leaves us open to being hurt again. But for those in Christ, forgiveness is not weakness. It’s warfare.

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21, NASB95)

Forgiveness is how we overcome the evil done to us without becoming evil ourselves. It’s choosing mercy over vengeance, and grace over bitterness. We’re not surrendering to the offence, we’re surrendering to Christ. In doing so, we overcome evil with the power of His love.

“To withhold forgiveness isn’t just emotional self-protection. It’s a spiritual rebellion.”

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is gospel obedience. Unforgiveness may feel justified. It may even wear the mask of wisdom: I’m just setting boundaries. I’m just guarding my heart. But underneath, it is quiet resistance to the very grace that saved us. When we cling to the offence, we reject the mercy that was poured out on us.

“For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy...” (James 2:13, NASB95)

“But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:15, NASB95)

“…My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” (Matthew 18:35, NASB95)

These are not gentle suggestions. They are sobering warnings. A forgiven people must learn to forgive. Unforgiveness is not neutral. It is spiritual suicide, dressed in the disguise of strength.

Why Forgiveness Can’t Wait

Jesus makes a shocking application when it comes to bitterness, resentment, and unresolved conflict, whether in us or against us:

“Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering… first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.” (Matthew 5:23–24, NASB95)

Did you hear that?

The Holy One would rather you walk out of church mid-song than lift your hands in worship while harbouring bitterness or unforgiveness. He would rather you stop your praying, your serving, your singing, or even participating in the Lord’s table if there’s a rift left unreconciled.

Jesus doesn’t treat broken relationships as secondary matters. He calls reconciliation so urgent, so vital, that we must pause our worship to pursue it.

“Therefore I want the men in every place to pray, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and dissension.” (1 Timothy 2:8, NASB95)

To sing while brewing bitterness in the heart or knowingly ignoring a broken relationship is not worship; it’s a performance. And a dangerous one at that.

Bitterness that lingers becomes bitterness that roots. Delay creates space for sin to grow, and for Satan to divide what Christ has united.

“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26–27, NASB95)

Every church is full of sinners. We will offend, disappoint, and hurt one another. But grace makes us different. Grace makes us forgive and pursue reconciliation. And when forgiveness is delayed or denied, Satan gains a foothold.

The Forgiveness We’ve Received

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8, NASB95)

Jesus didn’t wait for us to get our act together. While we were still sinners, still hostile to Him, He went to the cross. Forgiveness isn’t just something we do; it’s something we’ve been given.

“We don’t forgive because the other person deserves it. We forgive because we’ve been forgiven far more.”

When we withhold forgiveness, we reveal that we’ve forgotten this. Or worse, we’ve never truly grasped it. We downplay our own sin and magnify others’ offences. But the cross exposes our self-righteousness. It reminds us that our debt was far greater, and Christ paid it in full.

The good news of the gospel is that Jesus died not just to reconcile us to the Father, but to one another.

“For He Himself is our peace, who made both groups into one and broke down the barrier of the dividing wall… so that in Himself He might make the two into one new person, in this way establishing peace.” (Ephesians 2:14–16, NASB95)

His blood speaks a better word than bitterness. His grace opens the door to restoration. The same Spirit who opened our eyes to mercy gives us the strength to extend it.

The forgiveness we’ve received doesn’t just invite us to forgive, it enables us to forgive. To forgive freely is gospel strength. It is living proof that we’ve tasted grace. That we understand the weight of our sin and the wonder of His mercy.

Those who know grace best are quickest to extend it. So when we find forgiveness difficult, we go back to Calvary. We remember what He’s done for us and let that mercy shape how we extend it to others.

Forgiveness Isn’t One-Sided

We sometimes assume forgiveness is only for the one who’s been hurt. But Scripture places responsibility on both sides.

“…So that on the contrary, you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.” (2 Corinthians 2:7, NASB95)

Forgiveness is not just about letting go of the offence; it’s about embracing the offender in love. That is Reconciliation (I hope to explore this further in future).

When I asked my friend for forgiveness, she didn’t dismiss me, nor sent me to the purgatory of silent treatment to punish me until my pain was sufficient. She shared how my words had landed on her, forgave me, not performatively, but sincerely. I handed her Skittles, an awkward peace offering, maybe. She assured me with her kindness and warmth. Grace did its quiet work. I walked away, heart lighter, soul humbled.

If you’ve sinned against someone, Scripture calls you to confess. Not with excuses nor qualifications. But clearly. Humbly.

If you’ve been sinned against, you are called to forgive. Not with grudging tolerance, but with gospel grace and assurance to the one seeking it.

How Grace Defeats the Grudge

Grudges feel powerful. They help us protect ourselves, preserve our pride, and punish those who’ve hurt us: silently, passively, and sometimes, even politely. But beneath the surface, grudges don’t guard us; they poison us. They are slow acts of spiritual sabotage, draining our joy, dimming our worship, and distancing us from others and from God. This isn’t just about keeping peace in relationships. It’s about keeping life in our souls.

Grace, on the other hand, does the opposite: It doesn’t harden the heart; it softens it. It doesn’t keep score; it cancels debts. Grace disarms the grudge by pointing us to the cross, where our deepest offences were forgiven at infinite cost.

“A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11, NASB95)

This is glory. This is wisdom. This is freedom. This is Christlikeness.
When we choose to overlook an offence, not by pretending it didn’t hurt, but by releasing it in light of God’s mercy, we reflect the very heart and character of Christ.

So, is there someone you need to talk to? A friend you hurt or who hurt you? A colleague you ignore, a relative who always seems to strike a nerve, a church member you are silently avoiding. Don’t assume time can heal what only grace can.

It may not be easy. It may be messy. Apologies may land clumsily. Tears may come. The other person may not respond as you hope. They may even withhold forgiveness.

But obedience does not wait for outcomes. It rests in God.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” (Romans 12:18 NASB 1995)

So Reach out. Send the text. Make the call. Pull them aside after the church service. Speak honestly. Confess clearly. Forgive eagerly. Extend Mercy.