Topic: Relationships

I watched a K-drama called Melo Movie. As expected, it was moving and romantic, the kind of show that makes you want to text someone you shouldn’t. The relationship between Ko Gyeom, the awkward but sincere actor, and Kim Mu-bee, the guarded yet emotionally intelligent director, was full of subtle tension.

In one scene, after a period of reconnection, Mu-bee tells Gyeom they shouldn’t see each other anymore, not because of betrayal or cruelty, but because she simply doesn’t feel ready. He doesn’t fight her on it. They part quietly, both aching, both still affectionate, but ultimately driven by emotion, by what they did or didn’t feel. How fragile their love was. Everything hinged on feelings: grief, confusion, timing.. And once those feelings shifted, the relationship dissolved.

There was passion, yes. Longing, absolutely. But stability? Wisdom? A clear picture of what sacrificial, enduring, covenant-shaped love looks like? Nowhere in sight. Of course, you wouldn’t expect that in any of the TV shows. But the show made me think about how much my idea of relationships can be shaped by such stories. And the more I watch them on reels or shows, the more I realise how subtly they shape the way I think about relationships, and what love is supposed to feel like. It’s easy to absorb these emotional patterns without realising it, letting such reels teach us that love is only real when it feels intense, urgent, or all-consuming. But Scripture offers a better word, one that calls for patience, discernment, and timing.

“Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 8:4)

That’s not just a warning, it’s wisdom. Because love, when stirred too soon or for the wrong reasons, can leave us chasing shadows instead of substance.

A Worldly List or a Godly One?

We all singles carry around a mental “list” of what we’re looking for in a partner. If you were to write down the top five qualities you’re looking for in someone, what would make the cut? Beautiful? Attractive? Funny? Emotionally intelligent? Driven? God-fearing? Wait, is that last one on your list, or just something you assume is there?

I wonder how many of us filter that list through 1 Corinthians 13 to measure attraction and compatibility. I mean, let’s be honest: “patient and kind” isn’t as exciting as “charming and flirty.” “Keeps no record of wrongs” doesn’t trend like “makes me laugh for hours.” “Not irritable or resentful” isn’t as thrilling as “we just have this chemistry.”

When was the last time you heard someone say, “I don’t know, I’m just so drawn to how this person doesn’t insist on their own way”? Or, “Honestly, I can’t stop thinking about how they keep no record of wrongs”?

Sounds absurd, right? That’s because the world has trained us to feel love first and discern later (if at all). But what if real, lasting attraction isn’t about how someone makes you feel, but how someone reflects Christ?

Attraction with Discernment

God is not against Romance, Physical Desire, or Emotional connection, all good things created by Him. John Owen beautifully reminds us in “Communion with God” (and I paraphrase):

“The Father’s love which is from Eternity, is not just an act of will; but it is full of delight and felt affection.”

In the same way, our love, though grounded in commitment, is meant to be warmed by genuine emotion over time. But because we are still sinful and our hearts are prone to wander, we cannot fully trust our feelings. Feelings are real, but they are not reliable to be the foundation of our decisions. That is why the “spark” can sometimes lead us into relationships where character is lacking, but the ‘chemistry’ is strong. And in the absence of godly wisdom, we confuse intensity for intimacy.

It is not just about how much you laugh together or how often you text “I miss you.” It’s about how much you sharpen one another in the Lord. It’s about being attracted to fruit, not just features.

“…but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” (1 Peter 3:4 NASB1995)

That is the kind of beauty God treasures and the kind we should learn to value, too. Not just outward charm or emotional connection, but a heart being formed by Christ. That means your “list” should be shaped by what delights God’s heart more than what delights the world’s wandering eyes.

• Does this person love Jesus more than they love being loved?
• Do they speak the truth even when it’s hard?
• Are they kind when no one’s watching?
• Do they show signs of the fruit of the Spirit, or just the fruit of attention?

If we are not careful, we can fall in love with affection, not with a person. We can be so moved by how someone makes us feel that we forget to ask if we can grow in holiness with them. We confuse emotional compatibility with spiritual compatibility. Charm may attract you, but character will keep you.

Spirit Over Spark

“But I determined this for my own sake, that I would not come to you in sorrow again. For if I cause you sorrow, who then makes me glad but the one whom I made sorrowful?” (2 Corinthians 2:1–2, NASB1995)

Paul felt deep, personal affection for the Corinthian church. He wanted to see them, but love, not longing, led his actions. That’s a powerful picture for me: just because I feel something strongly doesn’t mean it’s wise or right to act on it. Real love knows when to wait. When to let go. When to pursue. When to stay. And sometimes, loving them meant choosing restraint over desire.

So if you are walking into a relationship (or like me, praying for one), be led by the Spirit, not just your senses: Be willing to ask uncomfortable questions. Be willing to walk away from a connection that feels exciting but lacks biblical substance. Because what you’re building needs more than emotional glue, it needs gospel foundations.

The Shape of Spirit-Led Love

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul’s words don’t feel very romantic, and that’s precisely why they’re trustworthy. They weren’t written for lovers on a balcony. They were written to a messy, self-centred church, the kind of people who, like many of us, found loving others harder than they expected. And in that context, Paul lays it out:

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4–7, NASB1995)

This isn’t a Hallmark definition. It’s a Holy one. In other words, love is an act of the will that expresses itself in action for the good of others. It is not void of affection. It is fueled by the Spirit and filled with growing joy. A joyful decision you make every day. It’s often unglamorous, sometimes hard, but always something God gives us the strength to do. You move toward the other person, not just because of how they make you feel, but because of who God is calling you to be as you pursue them or are pursued by them. The feelings don’t lead; they follow. Real affection grows when we keep showing up, choosing to love even when it’s inconvenient, even when it costs us something.

This kind of love isn’t natural. We don’t drift into patience or stumble into sacrificial kindness. It flows from knowing who we are in Christ. When our identity is rooted in what Jesus accomplished through His death and resurrection, we’re freed to love without fear or striving. We’re not trying to earn someone’s affection; we’re loving from the security of already being fully known and loved by God. We love not to gain approval, but because we’ve already been deeply approved by God.

From Reel to Real

Hear me out.

What if the most romantic thing is someone who shows up when you’re going through hard times? Who prays for you without asking? Who listens? Who rejoices in your growth more than your looks? Who helps you see Christ more clearly, not just themselves? Who honours your boundaries, even when it’s hard? Who forgives and asks for forgiveness when it hurts? What if the most attractive person isn’t the one who just says “I love you” but shows it through kindness, faithfulness, patience, and sacrifice?

My aim is to help us step back and ask: Are we seeing love the way God does? Does my “list” reflect Christlike substance? Does it prove what the perfect will of God is? (Romans 12:2) I might ignore a steady, Christlike friendship with potential in search of something shinier, forgetting that even the most godly person won’t always feel like a highlight reel. So whenever I stumble upon those reels, I pause. Because it’s easy to conclude: If it’s not this tender, this poetic, this emotionally intense, then “sitaki”.

Maybe part of the reason some of us feel “stuck” isn’t that there are no godly people around, but that our preferences are louder than our prayers. My hope in writing this was to point us back to a Gospel-centered way of viewing all the different areas of our Christian life.

That is why I am convinced that the Christian life and the area of relationships are not two separate domains. Following Jesus doesn’t just change how we pray. It changes how we pursue relationships and reveals what we believe about the gospel. How we show affection, how we set boundaries, how we forgive, and why we commit. It reshapes the list. And ultimately, how we choose to love, the kind of love that looks like Christ.

It lifts our standards to match what God values. Because in the end, you don’t need someone who just makes you feel good. You need someone who, when the butterflies are gone, still chooses to pray with you, repent beside you, serve with you, and walk with you all the way home.